This one might be worth skipping...

...if you like pictures and funny stories.

Last night I was on cousin-in-law Alyson's blog wondering how on earth she keeps her home, raises three children, enjoyably juggles her friendships, regularly updates her blog (which is amazingly entertaining!), and (now that I am a face book member, too) regularly updates her face book account. If I lived closer, I'd probably be even more amazed at everything that goes on.

Then there's Di, who home schools her daughters, drives all three kids between soccer, gymnastics, and cheerleading, somehow keeps her floors clean, cleans OTHER people's houses, trains for a marathon, reads great literature, does in-depth Bible studies, and is a good friend to a lot of people.

And LuraLynn, who teaches music full time K-12 on a Native American Reservation & is the head of all the disciplinary issues in the school (and travels to various conferences all over the country) while raising her son, running a ranch, and living as a central part of a lovely web of family and community.

Let's not forget Di's cousin-in-law, Robin, whom I know only casually but onto whose blog I frequently creep. Her young sons have their own set of challenges, and yet she and her husband continually draw their strength and joy from the Lord to see the beauty, gift, and humor He has given them.

Since I am at a busy place in my life w/little ones, these people's lives jump out at me. I am in awe--just a little jealous--but definitely in awe.

So that urges me to be content. I have a great life. I love to play with my kids and take them places and be outside, and I love my jazz-piano husband and the music that fills our lives. I have loved my new job and the adventure of learning new things, and in the midst of that we host lots of friends and family in our 1912 house in a city neighborhood, and we have a precious church family who humbly and simply encourage us to seek Jesus.

But I feel very disorganized and unkepmt and tired. I hate that when I get a rare few moments to myself, I often fritter them away doing something stupid rather than doing something simple and precious that would actually refresh my spirit, mind, and body. I hate that the things I so dearly love--my husband, my children, my family members, being outside, being creative--are often the things that either get brushed aside (sometimes one for the other, which is still dissatisfying) or get done in too much of a hurry to savor. And then I'm just on-edge and I get, as Alan and Esther will note, "that tone" in my voice, usually accompanied by a set jaw.

I'm not really looking for answers right now, just an outlet. I'm sitting here in desperate need of a shower, surrounded by mess, longing to know that "the joy of the Lord is my strength," and am coming up just this side of empty. The hardest part is the thought that my children, when they start to make the deeper, more spiritual connections of life, will say, "Yeah, my mom was a Christian, but she was always so tired and grumpy and trying so hard to do all that stuff. I'm not sure being a Christian really made much of a difference in her life."

What I want them to remember is kindness, gentleness, love (especially reactions in love and not anger), and fun.

This blog has kind of become my journal and my photo album rolled into one. The fact that other people might read and see it is just encouragement to "keep no record of wrongs," (I Cor. 13:5) and to "do all things without grumbling or complaining." (Phil.2:14.) So is this "grumbling and complaining?" I'm tempted to think it is not...I'm not slandering anyone...am I feeling sorry for myself? I don't really think so...I feel like I'm just laying it all out there, something I'm not sure I do that much (or maybe I don't know myself very well.) I am very naturally a positive, optimistic person who genuinely likes people and can get a kick out of doing pretty much anything. But right now I just needed to talk a little to myself and my friends and family to whom I am accountable in this world (in this blog-world, at least.) I think my mom would just tell me I'm tired and I'm trying to do too much. And she's probably right.